


Her Crumbs Of Heart

by yourownjoy



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 02:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16317005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourownjoy/pseuds/yourownjoy
Summary: "But I do love you, so much, and I know you do too.""That's where the fault lies,...let me go."So Wendy did. Just like what Joy asked her to.





	1. Spring

**Author's Note:**

> A Wenjoy, cause they simply deserve it.

 

 

 

It was spring when Wendy first saw _her._

 

As the last snow fell and melted,

 

...her heart seemed to also melt away when a bright smile’s engraved in her head.

 

Even as the sun went to hide into the horizon, Wendy could not squeeze the ghost of that smile to the deepest part of her head. She couldn’t even stop smiling when that trace of thoughts went back into her mind. And that time she knew,

 

That time she realized,

 

...that she had _fallen._

 

Maybe she would no longer regret her father's interchange to this city which forced her to adapt herself as well. Looking for a new school and socializing all over again. She’s so used to hide her opinion, she’s familiar in obeying others. Not because she’s afraid of something nor someone, but the kindness that was passed on from her mother caused her to want to please others without thinking much of herself first.

 

She was simply _genuine._

 

A pinch of regrets that marched into her heart had instantly vanished when _that_ smile was caught by her eyes on the first day of new school. If that smile was a disease, it sure was contagious. At least to her as she felt like she’d been deeply infected by that beautifully curved eyes when those lips were stretched to both sides.

 

 _That_ girl’s charming.

 

Searching for days, it wasn’t until Monday she finally got the name of the charming girl.

 

_Joy._

 

Wendy almost clapped as she wondered how the girl’s name matched _her_ aura so much. And for days Joy became her routine when waking up and sleeping.

 

Her days as a detective continued.

 

It wasn’t until the next week that she knew the girl's real name was _Sooyoung._

 

And Wendy almost applauded a second time thinking about how that name matched the owner's face.

 

‘Cause for her, the name sounded beautiful, so tender. So _dazzling._

 

Her Sherlock life lasted long after that. Day by day, another splendid news always came to her. Week by week new achievement had always been achieved.

 

When she got to shake Joy's soft hand for the first time and pronounced her own name, stuttering, “I'm W-wendy.” Something in her belly shuffled weirdly. But she knew that _that_ wasn’t a bad thing.

 

And when Joy clutched her hand tight, replying, “Joy.” with such steady voice, as Wendy often heard that Joy’s a very confident girl, she liked that. Joy's confidence and honey-like voice caused the thing that had been moving inside her stomach stirred further as if wanted to burst out, serving her with millions of bliss.

 

Months went fast by and for the first time Wendy was able to make Joy laugh. The laughter was difficult for her to describe with words. Perhaps, the closest one would be _crisp_ , or perhaps, the most suitable word was _lovely_. Wendy wasn’t sure she could choose from thousands of words that popped up to her. What she’s aware of,

 

...that she liked how that laughter sounded.

 

Seasons also changed though her heart seemed stuck on the same place. Itching when Joy was within her reach. The seasons also changed as she was able to slap Joy's arm softly when the latter gave out her _dad-jokes_ , much to her liking. And Joy did the same thing when Wendy could no longer hold herself to be sappy.

 

What Joy didn’t know was that Wendy’s not joking around.

 

Their years shifted further. The gowns they used to wear looked too small for them who had grown taller than before. For them who had grown prettier than before. Few years had passed by for the place they used to call _school_ had become a _college_. What they used to call _uniform_ was now simply a _shirt_.

 

And those changes were caught by Wendy. Her eyes had turned into camera with unlimited space to record everything that happened around her. Exclusively on one woman who filled that space.

 

Wendy witnessed how the girl’s beauty didn’t change, if beauty could grow, _her_ beauty grew extremely fast every day and even every single second they shared together.

 

A voice that used to only sound gentle back then was now like a song from heaven that she couldn’t miss. The smile that once just seemed cute had become a daily dose of bliss for her to pass the day. The laughter she had once adored had become the thing she loved so much. And with just the presence of that girl alone, Wendy felt as if she’d be able to breathe and survive through life for a thousand more years.

 

The years might’ve changed, everything around her had indeed changed. Everything, except for one,

 

…her heart that remained the same.

 

And Wendy was as sure as when she first saw _her,_ when the last drop of snow melted, her wish would never change.

 

Her wish that stayed the same even after thousands of days passed,

 

Her wish,

 

...that she had to make _her_ hers.  


***

 

  
Her unwavering heart brought Wendy to a decision to confess what she felt to _her_. What she felt inside for that _one_ heart.

 

When the courage came, she didn’t waste it before it died again. Wendy could no longer hold back what had been stuck. When the alarm rang and dusk created tinge of orange at the sky above, she patiently waited in _that_ place.

 

The place where she’s gonna meet Joy.

 

Just like those days that had passed, Wendy would always ask Joy out just to hang out or accompany her to a music store. Their tastes weren’t exactly similar but they really liked listening to music. She took a deep breath before she noticed a little box in her hands. She readied her heart for all the possibilities that’d occur. Whether it's a good one or a bad one. Whatever the come out would be, at least she was brave enough to challenge herself.

 

The place was a bit chilly as the wind gently blew some leaves from behind. One leaf that floated high above her head whirled beautifully, away from her view. Her eyes stuck on its yellowish color when it landed on the head of a person she had been waiting for.

 

She noticed Joy wearing a gray hoodie with a soft pink t-shirt that could not even hide those beautiful curves she owned. With hands inside her pockets, her flat expression making her looked cold, she glanced at Wendy,

 

“What is it?” Her tone as cold as her face.

 

Wendy smiled as she squeezed the box continuously. Perhaps her restless actions were visible to Joy as the latter set her eyes on the box and then looked back at Wendy as she twitched a brow as if repeating her question.

 

The Canadian cleared her throat before started to speak,      

“People say if you meet someone you like, your heart will beat fast and you’ll feel weird.” She sighed. “...but I don’t completely agree with them. ‘Cause what truly happens is that the wind suddenly revolves around you and lifts all your being along with the rhythm of your heart that suddenly exceeds the normal speed you think you might die. ‘Cause what I feel is that _that_ person becomes my source of light that I often want to pursue.”

 

What once just a crease of brows was now become a tilt of head, Joy’s perplexed face was obvious.

 

“It might sound dramatic and undoubtedly very pathetic, but that's what I truly feel when I see the person who stirs my heart. As I follow her as my source of light even as the year changes it never seemed to dim, right here,” Wendy placed a hand on her chest,” That's what I feel whenever I,”

 

“...stare upon _you._ ”

 

For a moment she caught Joy's eyes widened. For a moment she witnessed how Joy's face turned surprised. But it was only for a moment, when Joy once again skillfully retained her cold expression and those wrinkly brows reappeared. Her eyes bored deep into Wendy’s, looking uneasy.

 

Wendy cleared her throat a second time, “I don’t know if I deserve to say this… Am I worthy of saying this? But I think my heart is already too full to keep everything I've felt for you for years and it suffocates me. That’s why I decide to let it out.”

 

Wendy opened the box she'd been holding tightly.

 

A square shaped chocolate with lines that divided it equally came to view. In the middle there’s a writing that strangely instead of expression it was a question: _'will you?'_ , written so beautifully with small shape of heart at the upper corner of it.

 

“Will you...” Wendy repeated what it said, “...accept this heart that’s full of wishful thinking about you?”

 

She bit her lip as the uneasiness on Joy's face clearly visible, leaving her nervous and praying quietly just to calm her jumpy heart. But what happened next soothed her down when Joy's soft hand moved slowly --slightly trembling-- toward the chocolate and broke it into a small piece before shoving it into her mouth.

 

“It's bitter” she commented.

 

“Ah-uh sorry, I don’t really know how to make it.” stuttering, Wendy confessed. “Uhm, so, does this mean...”

 

“I already ate your chocolate though.” Joy shrugged her shoulders casually.

 

She finally managed to breathe again when relieved crept into her body. She felt her courage escalate as she leaned closer to Joy and tilted her head slightly then gave her a soft peck on cheek.

 

Joy squinted as Wendy brought out an exceptionally sweet smile then uttered,

 

“Thank you.”

 

***

 

  
The Canadian put down a tray of milk and pieces of bit-sized toast that had been smothered with chocolate treacle as topping, on the bedside table, where a girl was still fast asleep even though the sun had brought out the brightness out there. The bed was moving slightly as Wendy sat down and stared at the tranquil face. She lifted one hand to stroke the girl's head gently, causing the girl's brows to wrinkle. She creased them by giving that forehead a soft kiss then smiled as those eyes fluttered open.

 

“Morning...” Wendy's smile was softly engraved.

 

Joy sighed heavily and shifted to sit on bed. She gave Wendy a quick glance as she always did before she nodded, answering her morning greeting. Wendy forked a piece of toast and feed it to her girlfriend.

 

Joy cackled her tongue as she refused Wendy's hand, “I can do it myself.” Then took the plate.

 

Wendy giggled as the chocolate smeared at the corner of her Joy’s lips. When she was about to wipe it, Joy's hand stopped hers first, “What are you doing?” She asked flatly.

 

“There’s chocolate on your face, baby.” Wendy's hand moved further along with Joy's hands that gripped hers tight.

 

“I'm eating, so it's okay. Just leave it alone, you don’t have to wipe it.” With that one sentence she tossed Wendy’s hand then began to chew again.

 

A naughty smile appeared on the shorter's face as she quickly cleared the corner of Joy’s mouth with her own lips and ran off. A shout came from the room and made her laugh even more.

 

It's almost been a year since _that_ confession. Every reaction that Joy gave her was either looked cute or adorable to Wendy, there’s nothing in between. Although Joy often complained about the amount of affections she gave her but Wendy just couldn’t help it. It’s getting worse since she revealed the feelings which had been the friend of hers for years.

 

Few months back Wendy asked Joy to move in together so that they could be more closer and meet more often. Joy eventually accepted her request on one condition that Wendy was the one who should move to her flat, ‘cause it’d be too annoying for the taller to move her things. And now here they were,

 

Together and happy.

 

…or at least that's what Wendy thought.

 

 

***

 

  
“Baby, come on. The movie is at 6.” Wendy gently knocked the bathroom door, she heard a vague reply from inside,

 

“Yeah, yeah.” That door opened showing Joy who’s only using a towel. “You don’t need to remind me, _like_ , every minute. I know it already.” Joy came out without glancing at Wendy at all.

 

“Sorry, babe. The last bus will arrive soon. Otherwise we won’t be on time.”

 

“I said I know!” Joy raised her voice slightly. However, Wendy was not affected by that. She's already used to it and that just who Joy was. So she gave one kiss to the wet cheek,

 

“And I said sorry.” A witty smile adorned her face. She glanced at Joy from top to bottom. How the water was still moistening her shoulders and also at Joy’s collarbone that could make anyone’s eyes widening in awe at a glimpse of those beautiful curves. Later her eyes shifted down where drops of water drifted then disappeared into the depth of an opening between two delicious looking mounds there.

 

Wendy was drooling inside. She shook her head to get rid of dirty thoughts that filled a small space in her brain.

 

“I still can’t believe that you are mine.”

 

Low chuckle was heard from Joy who opened her wardrobe, “And I can’t believe that I’m yours too.” Joy froze for a moment then told Wendy to leave, “Move away, I need to change!”

 

In which the Canadian still replied with a smile.

 

They headed for the bus stop and waited there. When their bus came, Wendy caught Joy's hand to follow her which was again rejected by the taller one for the same reason _‘I can do it myself!’._

 

They made it just in time. Wendy told Joy to wait while she bought popcorn and drinks. Once the movie was over, she brought Joy to a restaurant she found online that’s famous for its melon sorbet which Joy loved.

  
As she spooned her food, she noticed that Joy was silent the whole time while ruffling through her food without any interest.

 

“You don’t like it, baby? Isn’t that your favorite?”

 

The sound of plates clashing could be heard as Joy threw hers, “Why do we always watch the ones you choose?”

 

“W-what?”

 

“Why do you always take me to places of your preference? And why do _I_ have to always _eat_ this!?”

 

“But I thought it's your favorite?”

 

Sigh of frustration escaped Joy’s mouth, “That is not the point!” She leaned back on her chair, “...whatever, I'm tired.”

 

The Canadian’s eyes turned sad, “Baby, I'm so sorry. How about we head home after this? Just please eat first, you haven’t eaten yet since this morning.” Wendy tried to persuade her girlfriend who somehow became so sensitive. _Very_ sensitive.

 

“I’ve lost my appetite, just eat that yourself!”

 

And Wendy obeyed. Forcing herself to finish the food that’s somehow tasteless.

 

***  


 

Their days passed by and she realized one thing.

 

This relationship that went for almost a year slowly felt dull. Everytime Joy saw her, her face turned flat with so much disgust. Wendy thought that maybe she’s just bored of her. Joy's too used of seeing her face, both at home and at college. Maybe Joy had come into a phase where she had seen too much of Wendy’s that turned her tired. Then again, Wendy believed that it would quickly vanish, that Joy would be back to her cheerful self. The one she’d always give a kiss to when those lips started to pout.

 

The dullness Joy felt had no effect on her as what she struggle with was her heart that grew even more ecstatic when Joy was simply around her, just as same as what she had felt for years.

 

She continued to hope, not knowing the one in the other side was no longer the same. That the one in other side,

 

... _never_ felt the same.

 

How could one hope that everything would still be okay when the feeling itself wasn’t actually there?

 

These days, every morning that should have been filled with love, would always be tainted by small arguments that made the taller one decided to go to the college first, leaving Wendy alone. These days, every night that should have been sealed with warm hugs, would always be faded because the taller one often came home too late and Wendy had already fallen asleep.

 

But there were times when Wendy would wake up in the silence of the night and found Joy lying by her side, with a smile adorning Joy’s lips. And Wendy’s grateful, at least Joy came home safely and happy.

 

And their days were still the same as before.

 

Went by with studying during the days, filled with music and regular things when the nights come.

 

They went through it just the same as before.

 

Only one thing that changed,

 

There’s a tiny dot dirtied their white paper,

 

There’s an enigma she’d finally realized,

 

Without warning, without cue,

 

...that the one in the other side thought the relationship was a mistake.

 

***

 

  
Wendy was putting all Joy’s need into her bag when Joy hastily grabbed it from her. The taller girl hurried toward the exit with bread hanging in her mouth.

 

“Babe, what are you in such a hurry for? I haven’t even finished getting ready yet.” Wendy told her.

 

“I have some stuff to take care of, you go first. I’ll see you later. Bye!”

 

“Babe-”

 

Wendy hadn’t had time to say a thing when Joy disappeared from her view.

 

This was the third time this week when Joy always went first without waiting for her. Despite being the taller one and seemed mature, Joy’s a kind of spoiled one. Where all her needs still had to be taken care of by others. So Wendy wondered how Joy could go to school when she often forgot to bring her bus card and wallet –which now was still in Wendy's hands.

 

And Wendy's mind justifying one reason.

 

As few days ago someone told her that they saw Joy being picked up by a woman from a different department. Her friend even swore that it was indeed Joy who was entering an expensive car with another woman in it.

 

But Wendy didn’t want to believe it. Wendy didn’t have the audacity to believe it.

 

Because she knew Joy better than anyone.

 

Her Joy wasn’t the type to do such a thing. Although she always gave people the cold shoulders, heart as soft as feather.

 

So Wendy got rid of negative thoughts that try to invade her brain. She took out the bread she had prepared and devoured it on their table,

 

… _alone._  


 

***

 

  
As the next few days hid the truth from Wendy, their little fights were now becoming big.

 

When the news that was only a snip she heard from her friend, made her doubting her trust when almost everyone around her was saying that. But she wasn’t Wendy who put people’s needs above hers if she believed in those without such a proof.

 

So she asked them to the source of all her curiosity,

 

...to her own girlfriend.

 

Wendy approached Joy who stuffed her books into bag while whistling happily. Leisurely the shorter sat down, facing Joy who looked extra chirpy today.

 

“You look very happy today.” Wendy tried to start her monologue.

 

Joy took a quick look at her and replied, “I’ll have a group meeting today.” She shoved the last book. “No need to wait for me for dinner.”

 

“With whom?” Wendy turned restless.

 

And she could see Joy’s annoyed with her question when that face turned cold and dangerous,

 

“With my friends. Who else do you think it would be?”

 

“With Gayoung?”

 

Only with that question, Joy spun around and towered Wendy. The shorter girl got up from her seat and instantly Joy's face was in front of hers.

 

That face looked intimidating covered in red from holding her anger.

 

And Wendy cursed her own stupidity,

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Joy gritted her teeth as she asked the Canadian.

 

“Sorry babe, I just want to know how you are and what you do. We rarely _talk_ these days. All we did was fighting,” she hesitated, “...all _you_ did was getting angry at me.”

 

Joy put her face closer to Wendy. Her eyes were furious,

 

“Then what does that have to do with this and with whom I go?” She asked, again.

 

“I'm just curious ‘cause my friends say you often go with her while you, yourself never introduced her to me. I just wonder what kind of person she is.” Wendy tried to reason. But all that was misinterpreted by the taller, when she angrily slammed down the chair Wendy had occupied earlier and asked,

 

“Are you saying that I’m being unfaithful? Are you accusing me of _something_!?” she hissed angrily.

 

“No, believe me. That's not what I meant, babe-”

 

“Don’t call me babe!”

 

Wendy shut her mouth. She shut it as tightly as she could. She was too afraid for saying the wrong thing again and causing Joy’s rage to escalate. She cursed her own imprudence for believing her friends without any evidence.

 

“Sooyoung-ah,” Wendy softened her words, “...I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I just- maybe I was just jealous, I _am_ jealous. For a moment I was distraught. But that's all because I love you.”

 

“Don’t you ever talk about love, here.”

 

“But I do love you, _so much_ , and I know you do too.”

 

The taller sneered at that, “There's your fault. That's where the fault lies. You’re always interpreting something according to your own perspective without knowing of what's actually happened. You always picture things from your own preference, without knowing that _that_ thing doesn’t really exist. Without knowing,” Joy looked at her sharply, “...that I’ve never really loved you.”

 

Those words were like a thunder during a day that could crack thousands of glasses.

 

“Don’t say that, bab- please don’t say that. I know I made a mistake and I'm sorry.” Wendy pleaded, “I know all the time we shared was real. I know all the things we go through are real. It's not fa-”

 

“All of it is a lie. From years ago, all was just a lie. And I'm tired of pretending. I’ve had enough, Wendy.” Joy sighed for a moment, “…you are alone in this relationship. I have tried, trust me. I’ve tried to love you but it’s just too hard. I’ve tried to say the word but it wouldn’t come out,” She said,

 

Wendy gasped. It's true that all this time she was the one who always showed her love to Joy. It’s true that she had always been the only one who said the L word. It’s true that Joy had never said it. Not even once. And Joy laughed, sadly –probably pitying herself-, knowing Wendy had noticed,  


“Are you realizing it just now?” she asked, “I said _yes_ only because I felt sorry for you, I took your hand out of pity and now I’ve had enough of this. I don’t want to pretend anymore,”

 

Wendy froze.

 

“How can we live in a relationship without love? And how can we carry on if you’re always suspicious of me!?” Joy snapped at her who’s startled by what the taller said. “. _..let me go_.”

 

Wendy’s shocked to hear that.

 

“W-what do you mean?” She stuttered. She took a hold of Joy's hand, clutched it tightly. She prayed for Joy not to slip the _word_ from _her_ lips. For a moment Joy was about to say something again, yet it seemed that she restrained herself,

 

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” She freed herself from Wendy’s. “Just make sure to take care of your own business, and let me take care of mine.”

 

With that, Joy headed for the exit.

 

Slamming the door,

 

...along with scattering sound of Wendy’s heart.  


 

***

 

 

Joy never came back after the big fight. Although the house was originally hers, but its owner was never home.

 

The guilt that piled up caused Wendy to search for the whereabouts of her lover.

 

She stopped by every class but the existence of Joy was still a mystery. She looked through Joy's entire department in hope to find the one she’s longing for. And she never found _her_. In frustration she hesitantly went to another department. Where from the hearsays she heard her girlfriend was often there.

 

Thus, she looked for _her_ there but still found nothing.

 

So Wendy asked every person she met to call her as she showed a picture of Joy. So that people could inform her as soon as they see the taller girl.

 

Day after day had passed.

 

Wendy's nights were often filled with cries, draining all of her energy. And when the mornings came, her eyes were swollen. When she still got no news of Joy’s whereabouts, Wendy compelled herself to find out about _that_ woman. The one in the rumor,

 

_Gayoung._

 

She asked all the people who knew of Gayoung. To her surprise, the girl also went missing when Joy disappeared. The Canadian just wanted to know where her girl was at. Just wanted to make sure that she’s okay.

 

Looked like her efforts were showing result when on the next day her phone rang. The caller said they saw Gayoung's car in one of the nightclubs.

 

Wendy, who initially hesitated, had no choice but to walk for the place. So there she was, even from the outside alone she could hear the thumping sound of music that's beating loudly.

 

Simply call it bad luck as she was heading for the entrance she accidentally saw the figure she had been yearning for days.

 

So she called _her_ , the _lover_ , who instantly met her eyes upon hearing her call. But one thing that Wendy didn’t realize, maybe not even Joy had realized,

 

There’s another girl, slightly taller than Joy, coming from behind and pulling Joy into her embrace.

 

And maybe this was indeed her bad day,

 

When Wendy watched how that person pulled Joy's neck and brought their lips together.

 

In the middle of the night, with crowd surrounding them, when Joy was so close to her reach. When Joy, the one she’s longing for, was in someone else’s arms and kisses.

 

And what made her heart crushed was when she watched how Joy returned the kiss with the same intensity, along with her smile in between the kisses. Once it’s over, Wendy saw Joy staring straight at her. Boring into Wendy’s orbs with smirk painted on her face.

 

Nevertheless the smirk disappeared as it turned into a startled one as Wendy approached them slowly.

 

She stopped in front of Joy. That girl was still hugging her from behind, tickling Joy's neck with her nose. She ignored everything that occurred in front of her and only focused on this girl she’s dating for almost a year.

 

When that person realized there was someone else near them, she lifted her head. Her astonishment making Wendy think that this girl might’ve known who she was and who Joy was to her.

 

Undeniably, being a person who always wanted to please others would sometimes hurt herself when Wendy, sincerely, gave her genuine smile to them.

 

She shifted her gaze to Joy,

 

The one who’d been in her prayers these days. The one she’d been longing for every second.

 

_...let me go_

 

She still remembered the words that mouth said.

 

And after all this time, _still_ , all she wanted was for Joy to be safe, for Joy to not get hurt, for Joy to always be happy.

 

So she decided to grant Joy’s wish.

 

If she had to rip her heart out for this girl to be happy, she was willing to. If she had to let go of those hands in order for this girl to be happy, she would accept that. If this girl really want to be freed, she wouldn’t hesitate anymore.

 

With that in mind, Wendy finally said,

 

...to that girl she truly love,

 

“Please come back home...”

 

Just a sentence. Just that sentence, as the smile still plastered on her tired face, she slowly paced back and turned around. Stayed away from those two who were still staring at her back.

 

One of them with a wonder while the other turned mute, staring into the crowd with unreadable look on her face.  
  


***

 

 

Only one sentence that could be said. Only those words she could utter.

 

‘Cause unbeknownst to Joy, Wendy hid the sound of her heart cracking, which was slowly broken and shattered.

 

‘Cause unbeknownst to Joy, Wendy would not be able to survive any longer seeing how those hands were hugging her waist tightly.

 

‘Cause unbeknownst to Joy, Wendy didn’t want _her_ to witness her fall.

 

‘Cause unbeknownst to Joy, that Wendy hurriedly turned around and walked away from them,

 

...only to hide her _tears_.

 

A piece of snow fell on right under her eye and melted along with warm liquid falling from it. She touched it, to a place that momentarily gave coldness to her cheek.

 

And she stopped.

 

Stopped by to stare at sky that embraced her city in the arms of the stars. Her memory went on reverse, to a few years before when she first set foot in here.

 

When she first saw _her_.

 

And it was another spring yet again.

 

As the last snow fell and melted,

 

...along with an understanding that she figured out too late,

 

She had _lost_ her.

 

And she knew,

 

She realized,

 

...that Joy wasn’t hers anymore.

 

Or maybe,

 

 _She_ was never hers.  
  


 

 

 


	2. Pale Girl

 

 

 

It all started few years back when the semester had just begun.

 

That was the first time Joy had seen _her._

 

A Pale Girl with cute strands of bangs covering her forehead.

 

Few days ago the news of a beautiful newcomer in their class was spread like a buzzing bees. Joy was used to such a plain commotions, she didn’t even seem to care at all.

 

A week passed and one morning their homeroom teacher walked in with a petite girl tailing behind. At that time Joy had no idea this girl would be a part of her journey. Embarrassed and a little flustered the girl introduced herself in front of them all.

 

_Wendy._

 

The first impression Joy got was how pale that girl looked. Joy wondered if she was even eating well. But her secured footsteps made Joy realize that this girl was strong, enough to even beat her. And surely, at their gym class that girl was able to equalize the male students and beat all the girls, including herself.

 

That's when something funny inside started to affect her. Because without her knowing wherever and whenever the girl was, her eyes unintentionally followed.

 

Within weeks the girl introduced herself to Joy, a bit stuttering. Joy thought maybe this girl was a bit scared of her. It’s commonly known that Joy would always appear cold and difficult to approach because of her constant flat expression. She couldn’t do anything about it though, she simply didn’t know how.

 

As time went by, Joy learnt that Wendy wasn’t an introvert like she thought would be. With chirpiness and tenderness Wendy took her to see new things.

 

The longer she got to know Wendy, something was getting fishy. Just from the way the girl looked at her, the way the girl treated her, even the way the girl gave out her authentic smile. All the things that Wendy did seemed more atypical, felt more intense. Joy let it slip nevertheless.

 

She’s not a fool who couldn’t recognize hints Wendy always gave. She never missed even a slightly bit of Wendy’s movements and words. How the girl arched a smile as if Joy was the most precious thing when she laugh. How the girl looked frantic when Joy was injured during sports. And the way _she_ looked at her from afar, not knowing that from the corner of Joy's eyes, she was watching her too.

 

All Joy's suspicions were confirmed when the girl asked her to meet at one late afternoon.

 

The taller girl lazily tried to get up –cause she didn’t want to look rude-, wearing plain shirt and went to see the girl who had been waiting for her under a tree with fallen leaves flying around. Seeing the scene, for the first time in years Joy said,

 

“Cute.”

 

Only enough for herself to hear.

 

Joy walked over to Wendy who slightly flinched. A small box was shaken in a shuddering embrace of _her_ fingers. The hunch came back to Joy and she became more assure the time Wendy began to speak her lengthy rant while occasionally biting her lips, a sign of her nervousness. And Joy almost pitied the girl when that pale face grew even paler as she _uttered_ what she’d been feeling inside,

 

“Will you...” Joy could see how that hand was shaking greatly. Then she looked at Wendy's eyes, turned to the box and went back to those eyes again. For a moment she’s scared of what was going to happen,

 

“...accept this heart that’s full of wishful thinking about you?”

 

She could no longer hide her fear. Joy’s aware that Wendy obviously saw pile of uncertainties she was facing. She looked back at Wendy's trembling hands, her pale face as if blood had stopped flowing in it. So Joy's heart swelled in pity, maybe right now the feelings wasn’t there yet but loving this girl didn’t seem to be that hard. Seeing those tiny lips losing its rosiness, Joy reached out for that chocolate.

 

She brushed aside the doubts in her heart, she pushed off her selfishness and she prayed. Hoping that what she did next, what her answer to Wendy would not be a mistake.

 

“It's bitter” she commented,

 

_Just like my heart_

 

“Ah-uh sorry, I don’t really know how to make it.” The girl confessed, “Uhm, so, does this mean...”

 

“I already ate your chocolate though.”

 

_I hope everything’s going to be fine_

 

Joy froze as she felt the warmth of pale lips touched her cheek, giving her a kiss,

 

“Thank you” said Wendy

 

_I hope our hearts are going to be just fine._

 

 

***

 

 

Joy shot awake as she felt a warm thing touching her forehead. For a moment she gasped and all the beauty in her dream vanished when the first thing she saw was _that_ face.

 

The pale girl she unfortunately called girlfriend.

 

“Morning...” Wendy smiled at her

 

She glanced at tray on the table and breathed heavily. It would always be like this every morning. Joy believed that shortly this pale girl would start baby-ing her in annoying way. And sure enough, at once, a small piece of bread was already in front of her lips with Wendy telling her to open them, “Say aah...”

 

Joy snickered, she’s so uncomfortable with all this thing she received for almost a year. She’s getting tired of it. Thus she brushed off the girl's hand, “I can do it myself.”

 

Maybe this girl’s just too stupid or else already immunized to her growing rage when what _she_ did instead was kissing Joy's lips that splattered with chocolate and then run off the room, laughing.

 

Joy threw out her spoon and yelled angrily. She wanted to slam the tray down and tell that pale girl she didn’t like the way _she_ treated her. She wanted to tell _her_ that all this time she was just pretending. She wanted to tell _her_ that it was all just a lie, it was all just a _mistake_.

 

Nothing like her earliest _hope_

 

But it was already too late ever since she accepted _her_ request to live together. The real disastrous mistake she ever made. She felt imprisoned.

 

And here they were now,

 

In a fake closeness,

 

...that's what Joy thought.

 

 

***

 

 

“Baby, come on. The movie is at 6.”

 

A knock came from outside the bathroom. Lazily –not to add, a bit annoyed- she opened it while answering to the pale girl. She refused to even to look at _that_ face for a moment. She kept on walking while Wendy continuously taking down her patience with her lengthy rant,

 

“I said I know!”

 

Her face was all red from anger though what happened next was a kiss that landed on her cheek instead. Then the pale girl stiffened as _she_ drool watching that heavenly body. Joy laughed silently, no doubt that she had a perfect-scored-body

 

“I still can’t believe that you are mine” Wendy said

 

Her mocking face was obvious but the pale girl seemed unaware. She replied to it injecting sarcasm in her words, “And I can’t believe that I'm yours too.”

 

As they went on a date, Wendy would always tell her to do this and that. The pale girl would pull her hand to follow her, would tell her to wait while she bought a snack, would choose what movie for them to watch. Joy didn’t even have chance to voice her thoughts when that petite girl pulled her to booths.

 

They would always, note that, _always_ go to places the pale girl liked and order a melon sorbet. Joy was still upset over the fact Wendy found out her favorite dessert. Favorite didn’t mean to always make it a choice every single time, almost as if forbidden to order her own likings.

 

So she poured out her stifled anger. She slammed her spoon and raised her displeased voice to the pale girl. In order for the girl to know that she absolutely had no right to manipulate what Joy want or need. Words of apology slid out of the girl but Joy seemed to have shut her heart for she once again slammed the spoon and said,

 

“Just eat that yourself!”

 

...and the pale girl obeyed.

 

 

***

 

 

Being attracted to someone wasn’t really her thing as well as being a conversation starter. All those main beliefs were betraying her nonetheless when a beautiful girl offered to pay for her drink.

 

Blame her silly lack of memory to bring her wallet until she realized it was nowhere to be found after ordering drinks at a cafe, Joy frantically groped her whole body and pulled out unnecessary things from her bag. The impatient look of people who had been queuing for long made her stammering more.

 

“It's on me.”

 

A voice’s suddenly caught by her auricular, blown melodiously thorough her meatus. Joy lifted her head to find a girl wearing enormous shades, slightly taller than her, talking to the counter girl while taking out some cash to pay for their drinks. Without a word, the girl went to some table leaving Joy stunned with that drink in her hand.

 

Like a fool Joy followed her,

 

“I'll pay you back later” said Joy.

 

The pretty girl lowered her shades a little, looking at Joy from head to toe as if to judge her. Satisfied with what she saw, she boosted a smile arrogantly that stirred Joy’s heart weirdly at the same time.

 

“Pay it with your body.”

 

“Huh!?” Joy thought she had misheard it.

 

“Come with me tonight then we're even” the girl wrote something down on Joy's coffee cup.

 

“Hey, I think you mistaken something. I don’t play with the likes of you nor I-”

 

Suddenly the girl stood up to slip a coffee back in her hand and Joy almost flied when a delicate finger touched her lips to keep her silent thus that amusing smirk reappeared. _Her_ face was close, too close to hers. She could feel the warm breathing was teasing and she was shut off,

 

“I'll be waiting...”

 

The girl gracefully walked away before turning back and saying,

 

“It's Gayoung anyway, _the name_.”

 

And she’s gone, leaving Joy in disbelief with the strange encounter. Her brain seemed to respond in its own when she unconsciously spoke, answering the girl,

 

“Joy...”

 

Came out as a useless murmur since the pretty girl had disappeared from her, as her consciousness came back, she shook her head then paid attention to an address written on her coffee cup. Her legs went jelly-ish, she placed her hands on both sides of table for support as she breathed –hardly- to release thunderous ecstasy in her chest,

 

_Shit. What just happened?_

 

 

***

 

One word that sneaked into head when she entered this place was _cramped_.

 

Loud rhythms roaring along with screams from people who seemed to overly enjoyed themselves on the dance floor.

 

_2nd floor… 2nd floor_

 

She reread the coffee cup that girl slipped in before. The whole room packed by human beings passing by to the point she had to focus her eyes on her surroundings, looking for stairs. She climbed the dimly lit stairs to where Gayoung had written before.

 

The place was dark, dominated by a reddish violet that made it somehow romantic. Opposite to the floor below, this place seemed to be soundproof when Joy could no longer hear those loud beats. After entering a door she saw chains of beautiful couches that were also dominated by violet. And there she was, _that_ girl.

 

“Hi again.” The arrogance _she_ emitted was still there, enormously multiplied with the wine in _her_ hand and that distinctive smirk on _her_ face. “I’ve never thought you’d really come. I thought you're just like those useless losers. “

 

“I told you I'll pay you back!” She took out a pile of money and threw them on the table in front of Gayoung.

 

“Did you not hear me?” The girl slowly stood up. Her move intimidating Joy to back off a few steps and she’s unknowingly cornered when her back hit the wall. The girl was right in front of her now, _her_ breathing ghosted expensive wine to Joy’s lips which was just less than a finger apart, “…pay me with _this_ body.”

 

And unlike before when she rejected the girl, the seductive smirk managed to run strange electricity through her body this time. Joy could no longer avoid her interest for this girl, how the sexual intensity surrounded them sky rocketing despite the fact that she had just met _her_ today.

 

That arrogance eventually hypnotized her.

 

So she let Gayoung's hand easily slipped in to grab her waist. She let Gayoung's body roughly bounced onto hers. She let those lips –those red lips-, slightly chapped and took hers.

 

And then she’s trapped, she forgot everything, even a certain pale girl who’s untiringly waiting for her. As if the girl,

 

…had never existed.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Coming home late at night had already been her routine these days.

 

Gayoung had constantly been her savior from the invisible prison that prisoned her all this time. Gayoung was mysterious then again that's what made her curious and challenged herself to uncover a thick-layered masks hindered _her_ beauty. In any case, that's what she felt whenever she’s with Gayoung.

 

Gayoung was fun, Gayoung was _fine,_ –obviously _-._ Especially whenever nights drift away into absolute darkness, the pleasure, the bliss, the thrill were doubled along with their unsaid sexual intensity, making Joy ecstatically roused for freedom. Gayoung wasn’t bossy like Wendy.

 

_Wendy._

 

Just a mention of that name agitated her. Day by day, Joy’s rage was growing for _her_. She would always find a flaw in everything the girl did. It's fortunate all those things could be endured since she met Gayoung and Joy wouldn’t let the pale party-pooper ruin her day.

 

Whistling happily while putting her books into bag as from the corner of her eyes she saw Wendy approaching her. Joy ignored the girl, to be frankly, she didn’t give a fuck about the girl’s presence anymore for what she's cared about was just the amusement she’s going to obtain with Gayoung later on. She quickly thought of a reason to get away from Wendy,

 

“I'll have a group meeting today, no need to wait for me for dinner.”

 

“With whom?”

 

 _Shit_ , “With my friends, who else do you think it would be?”

 

“With Gayoung?”

 

That's all Joy needed to freeze in her place. Unlike her hardened legs, her heart roared loudly and beat faster. Joy wasn’t sure if what happened to her was a form of fear since Wendy found out about her secret, for all she knew her heart was already too tempered to even give in. Her face was already too thick for Wendy to put up the blame on her. Her ego still accused the girl for prisoning her all this time.

 

Therefore all she _could_ do was to defend herself, so the next she _did_ was defending herself. With a hitch of breath she confronted Wendy, intimidating _her_ ,

 

“What's that supposed to mean?”

 

The small girl was getting smaller for Joy whom towering her. The pale girl grew even paler in addition to hundreds of apologies running from _her_ mouth which made Joy even more sickened. So sick that she could no longer afford to ignore the falsity she had been doing,

 

“I'm tired of pretending. I've had enough, Wendy.” She emphasized the last word with such tiredness so that Wendy could see through her, “...let me go.”

 

The girl suddenly snatched Joy's hand powerfully, it’s slightly aching and Joy’s sure it would leave marks as the nails jabbed onto her wrist as if afraid to let go. Wendy stumbled, begging her not to say _that_ word and Joy hated to see her like that.

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

Quickly she hurried out, slamming the door behind. The cold air immediately greeted her. Joy let out heavy sighs, she reached for her phone and dialed the number, her _freedom_ number.

 

She walked slowly away from the place, away from her own home in which now didn’t feel like her home anymore. It’s chaotic inside her mind. They’re still together, Joy was fully aware of it, but that didn’t mean Wendy own her nor she would ever want to be owned. What she did merely to seek for self-sufficiency and someone had finally given it to her, so was it that wrong for her to want to enjoy it? To take pleasure and control of herself? Fulfilling her own wish?

 

She didn’t think so.

 

Unconsciously it's few blocks away from her house, a red car approached from a distance and stopped in front of her.

 

Gayoung.

 

Hence, Joy tried to smile again. She got in and with Gayoung she skated up. Tracing the city's nightly clubs, drowning in sea of glory and once again looking for the self-freedom that had yet rounded her up.

 

 

***

 

 

Joy never came home after that day. She went here and there, stayed at Gayoung's or spent endlessly fun time and would end up in unfamiliar place the next day. Even so she’d always find drunken Gayoung in those places which smelled like puke.

 

She checked her phone, _79 missed calls_. She knew Wendy’s looking for her, from hundreds of incoming messages that she never once replied. Even the ones from her friends who ask for her whereabouts were also ignored.

 

Days passed and tonight was no different. Still with the hustle-bustle of busy people dancing accompanied by thumps of music that seemed to be able to tear down this place in no time. Joy couldn’t recognize whether it was the effect of alcohol or cigarettes that invaded her lungs, but one thing she’s aware of, she's,

 

… _exhausted_.

 

With all the same doings, her body’s dying and to be very honest she longed for comfort of her bed. She chose to go out for a while, staying away from the packed place to find fresh air.

 

Along with the wind blowing on her face, shriek of _that_ voice was heard and she seemed to be on top of the tallest building when that voice echoed inside her. So she turned to look for the source and there _she_ was,

 

The pale girl who gave her a typical smile. At once the breeze felt hundreds times breezier than before as if able to winding into the deepest part of her heart. Her heart that shouted loudly for the sake of seeing curvy smile on the pale lips. Her heart that unbearably exclaimed,

 

_You missed her._

 

Joy gasped, but the voice sounded louder than before,

 

_You missed her!_

 

She watched how Wendy was waving at her and pacing forward. Just a step from Wendy made her retreat _twice_ , _thrice_ , _four_ times until she saw Wendy stiffened the same time her waist being held by someone from behind,

 

Gayoung. _Again._

 

“What are you doing here freezing by yourself?” Gayoung's soft whisper made her shiver. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Wendy still staring at her with an unreadable look.

 

Gayoung traveled her nose on Joy and the latter cunning brain worked fast. To get back at her shout-trashy heart earlier, to oppose her heart, to _deny_ her heart, thus she greeted Gayoung's open lips, ready to grind them. Joy smiled into the kiss, feeling victorious for avenging her stupid heart. But _it_ seemed to not giving up when again _it_ shouted,

 

_You miss her, stupid!_

 

Joy deepened the kiss, lumps of clashing lips were rough and a bit sting. Once satisfied she pulled back with breathless Gayoung so close to her and a smile of victory reappeared when she studied Wendy's face still stiffened but her tiny figure slightly trembled, it made her proud to shove it onto Wendy’s face her so called freedom.

 

That victory didn’t last long before turning into a shock the time Wendy walking toward her again without trembling, in _her_ certain steps as if nothing could stop _her_ tiny legs.

 

And no one knew what the pale girl was thinking when _she_ softly said,

 

“Please come back home...”

 

Just one sentence and _she_ moved away from them. Only one sentence and Joy couldn’t take her eyes off of _her_. Just one sentence and the latter fell silent,

 

Along with her heart that finally turned quite, _giving up_.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

_Please come back home..._

 

The taller girl tried to get rid of the voice in her head, she tried, _hard_. But the earsplitting nightclub gave her a logical reason to justify what she did next. She didn’t do this ‘cause _that_ girl was hurt, she didn’t do this for anyone's sake. She did it for herself.

 

Excusing that the house still belonged to her and she longed for the warmth of her bed, she diminished all her doubts to return home.

 

Here she is, in front of her house, stifling. She stepped into that familiar place. In the living room, Joy could see the backside of that girl, that pale girl, sitting on the sofa silently,

 

Obviously the girl was waiting for her.

 

She checked her wrist-watch, the time had shown far past midnight, thus it was almost dawn and in few hours new day would greet them, but _this_ girl was still waiting for her. Joy ignored throbbing vibes in her chest and chose to also ignore the girl for reason that certainly few minutes later would be filled with lengthy rant from her pale lips and Joy was too tired to deal with it. Her thoughts proved wrong nonetheless as she saw big suitcase beside the sofa had stood upright. She immediately halted, not wanting to go straight to her room anymore.

 

She realized of the happenings.

 

The pale girl approached her, the pale girl came up to her. One thing Joy noted, the girl surely came close to her but there was a certain distance _she’s_ trying to keep and it made her heart rustle especially when the girl spoke emitting warmth but somehow felt cold as if the words would throw hidden thorns at her,

 

“Thank you for letting me stay here all this time,” She reached for Joy's hand, gently opened it before giving it a particular thing on the palm. That thing was cold, hard. Joy glanced at it, a key, Wendy’s key of the house. “I'm sorry if I've been a burden to you, sorry if I've been nothing but a bother, sorry if I've been doing things without hearing you first, sorry if I've been _forcing_ you,”

 

Wendy closed her eyes, knowingly hard for her to say, “...to _love_ me back.”

 

Then she clasped Joy’s hand softly to hold the key, _gently_. It’s still felt cold. Joy saw how Wendy gave a soft stroke to each of her fingers as if they were the most treasured things, so Joy let _her_ do so.

 

“One more thing,” she took a cake that Joy hadn’t noticed before. The Canadian carefully lit a candle, the only candle that adorned it, “...I know it's probably no longer appropriate for me to say this, but I've already made it.” Her eyes lingered on the chocolate cake and Joy wondered how could this girl still form her sincere smile, “So,”

 

“...Happy Anniversary.”

 

Trying to hide her surprise, trying to hide her sudden stuffiness, Joy clacked her tongue in annoyance, showing Wendy that she was deeply irritated by this. And Wendy heard that, _clearly_ , for a moment her heart swelled in nuisance. Joy blew out the candle just so this whole thing could quickly be done. Wendy went to the kitchen, put the cake in the fridge knowingly Joy wouldn’t want to eat it. The taller studied _her_ every movement, the way _she_ walked weakly back to the living room, the way _she_ took the suitcase and proceeded to face her, the way _she_ looked at Joy, quite long.

 

One thing Joy noticed, those eyes had turned red.

 

Uneasiness was obvious on _her_ pale face, _she_ bit her upper lip and Joy acknowledged it as _her_ habit every time _she_ hesitated to do something. Before Joy had time to ask what else did _she_ want, Wendy closed their distance,

 

...and kissed her.

 

 _Her_ lips felt wet and tasted like raw ocean, _her_ lips were soft and fragile at the same time. For that reason Joy let _her_ be, she even tried to kiss _her_ back so that the fragility of this kiss wasn’t too apparent, so that their vulnerability wouldn’t come out to the surface and made her uncertain about what her own heart feel.

 

As Wendy slowly pulled back, Joy could see those eyes watering wet. Ones that already red became much redder. But those lips were smiling, spreading warmness, emitting sincerity, making Joy wondered –for a brief moment- if Wendy was really sad about all this. All this split-up, the break-up, their _separation_.

 

And so Joy let _it_ be, when for the last time Wendy said those words to her, Joy let _her_ be,

 

“I love you.”

 

With a soft, gentle touch on her cheek, the pale girl walked past her not waiting for a reply. In fact, Joy didn’t even have time to say goodbye. Joy was left voiceless in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the white wall ahead. Although her eyes couldn’t see what was happening behind, her ear became a silent witness of the girl's departure.

 

When the door closed with a click, she let loose of her breaths she didn’t know she'd been holding since. She’s walking into her room and abruptly stopping in front of bed. A thought sneaked back into her mind,

 

She knew why Wendy didn’t wait for an answer from her, she knew why Wendy immediately leave after saying those words. And she realized that Wendy also knew about the whole situation,

 

Wendy also knew that waiting was a waste.

 

‘Cause of all the time they’ve spent together Joy had _never_ once told _her_ those 3 words. ‘Cause Joy _didn’t_ want to _say_ those 3 words,

 

Because Joy didn’t want _her_ ,

 

Because Joy didn't love _her_.

 

Because, she would _never_ do.

 

If there’s a thing called _white lie_ , surely there would be one called _dark truth_

 

And Joy was grateful that Wendy acknowledged it, so she’d no longer need to think about the guilty conscience that would haunt her, heave of lie if she uttered those 3 words.

 

Still staring at the bed, Joy smiled. She threw herself like a child waving her hands in relief, in victory. Shortly after, drowsiness tackled her down. Then Joy didn’t know whether it was because the subconscious that’s slowly approaching her or because of the remaining taste of those lips that still lingered on when a small part of her heart, the farthest part of it sensed,

 

That this bed felt a lot bigger than before.

 

It's bigger,

 

...and empty.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> it's Wenjoy!
> 
> The other female character was originally set to be Yerin when I saw them in Idols Championship, but after watching Tempted, it felt that Gayoung was better suited to be a mistress (I'm so sorry to her fans)  
> This will be a short-chaptered fic.  
> Feel free to leave comments and your thoughts below. Thank you~ jajaja


End file.
